In my training in Hakomi Psychotherapy (a body-centered, experiential process of self-exploration done in a state of mindfulness), one of our intensives was centered around the concept of “messiness.” It was quite a shift for me to think about messy encounters, messy relationships (aren’t they all?!?), messy whatever, as being ok. I don’t have to try to fix them, or change them; I can simply be with them in curiosity as to where things will go next. This relaxed curiosity (and this might sound paradoxical) is what “allows” things to move forward to what wants to happen next. It’s magical.
Below is a piece written by Scott Noelle; when I read it I knew that I couldn’t articulate it any better, so I’ll just share it with you as is. I find that the message is one that reminds me of how truly joyful parenting can be–yes, even parenting our challenging children–if we allow ourselves to relax into the moment and be with whatever our child is presenting to us (whatever kind of attitude, emotion, behavior) from our own place of Brilliant Sanity. What does that look like for us? Curiosity…willingness to connect…openness…relaxed…
Here is Scott’s post…I hope you enjoy it…
:: The Path of Least Resistance ::
Take a moment today to observe the motion of water
drops descending on a window, windshield, shower wall,
or sink.
Each drop follows its own “path of least resistance”
toward Ground, which is rarely a straight line. It
flows around obstacles in the easiest possible way.
When the obstacle is another drop, the easiest way
might be to merge with it.
Sometimes the easiest path is that which has been
established by previous drops. Sometimes it’s easier
to stay put until another drop comes along.
In every case, there is no *trying*, no *effort*.
There is only ease and surrender. That’s Nature’s Way.
Evidence of this is everywhere — in the growth
patterns of wild plants, the movement of animals,
and the behavior of children.
Today, set the intention to flow like water through
your day and with your children. Notice that when
you feel stressed, you’re resisting in some way.
And when you feel good, you’re going with the Flow.
http://dailygroove.net/path-of-least-resistance
Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2010 by Scott Noelle
*********************************************
I invite you to pay special attention to Scott’s ending words:
Notice that when you feel stressed, you’re resisting in some way.
And when you feel good, you’re going with the Flow.
What is your experience with Parenting in the Flow? With resistance? With being with messy “stuff”? I’d love your comments! (Click on Leave a Comment below.)
As always,
Peace,
Beki
A friend and colleague parent coach/therapist alerted me today about the news story telling about the little boy, just 7 years old, who was “returned” to Russia by his American adoptive mom. (If you haven’t read this story, you can do so at http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/E/EU_RUSSIA_ADOPTED_BOY?SITE=NEYOR&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT .) A brief recap might be “MOSCOW (AP) — Russia threatened to suspend all child adoptions by U.S. families Friday after a 7-year-old boy adopted by a woman from Tennessee was sent alone on a one-way flight back to Moscow with a note saying he was violent and had severe psychological problems.
The boy, Artyom Savelyev, was put on a plane by his adopted grandmother, Nancy Hansen of Shelbyville.”
I can’t even begin to process this event just yet; I am so far having mostly an emotional reaction to the hurts inflicted on this innocent, his abandonment being simply the most recent of what I’m sure are many.
His adoptive mom claims that she was not told about the boy’s severe psychological problems. True? Who knows? I’m thinking that the fact that she decided to stop trying to parent the little boy indicates that, had she been told of the difficulties that may lie ahead, she would not have taken in the child in the first place. SO I’m going to assume that she is telling the truth about this.
My biggest frustration is about the adoption process itself: Regardless of what was said–or not said–by the officials at the orphanage, how is it that, apparently, adoptive parents are not being required to learn about how deeply traumatized most adopt-able children are? About how intensely challenging it might be to parent these kiddos? About what a huge commitment one makes when deciding to adopt a child from any context, perhaps particularly from an orphanage? I have been aware that this is a serious problem, but this case highlights the incredibly damaging consequences of our negligence.
This is a very sad case, and I’m hoping that from it will at least arise some new awareness about what happens, and does not happen, when a person decides to adopt a child with a trauma/neglect history. (And really, any child who is available for adoption falls into this category.) And I’m hoping that all those who are considering, or who are already committed to, adopting a child from Haiti will be entering into the process with open eyes, informed mind, and huge heart and compassion, and will be able and willing to manage the challenges, and to get help when needed. (One resource for these folks is Alliance of H.O.P.E. [Haitian Orphan Parent Educators], a group which I co-founded with several other parent educators to offer free support and resources to those parenting and supporting Haitian orphans. Our site is www.haitian-orphan-parent-educators.org . ) It is a labor of love, and it is growing every day (well, every week anyway!)
Here’s to little Artyom Savelyev, who has done nothing except to be born into circumstances beyond his control…May he rise above the insanity of his early years and grow beyond his circumstances, and show us all how we can better serve the children of our world who need us.
Peace,
Beki
Bryan’s trainings are always engaging, always enlightening…I recommend this event highly. I know I’ll be there!
An Essential Training for all parents and professionals working with challenging children!
The Power of Oxytocin:
How this hormone discovery is rewriting Parenting and Therapy for RAD and ODD Children
| Thursday, April 8, 2010 |
| 9:00 pm – 10:30 pm EST
Location: Your Computer!
The discovery and implications for the oxytocin hormone is the most exciting breakthrough in parenting and mental health since the decade of the brain. Learn how this hormone works, what it does, and how you can naturally engage it in your child’s brain by following some very specific practices. Few in mental health are even aware of the existence of this hormone much less the tremendous implications for it. Don’t miss this important webinar presentation by two of the leading child behavior experts in the field today.
Presented by Bryan Post and Internationally Recognized Teen Girl Expert Helene Timpone, LCSW.
To register for this webinar, go to:
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Here’s a great (and free!) resource taught by Dr. Karyn Purvis, an internationally known attachment specialist . (And, while her focus will be on children from Haiti, I’m sure that there will be much to learn for anyone parenting kids of trauma/neglect.)
Parenting Children from Haiti and Other “Hard Places”: A Webinar Featuring Dr. Karyn Purvis
Thursday, March 25th, at 7:00 PM central time.
Click here to register.
Karyn Purvis is the Director of the Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University. She travels extensively nationally and internationally, providing training and consultation for families and professionals working with at-risk children. She is a member of the advisory board of the Texas Association of Infant Mental Health and is co-author of The Connected Child.
It was so great to meet so many new people at today’s Beyond Consequences Live event, just outside of Denver! I had a chance to speak with such courageous and big-hearted souls, and to hear some of your stories, your concerns, your challenges, and your victories.
As always, Heather (Forbes) did an incredible job of bringing to life this heart-centered, brain-science supported paradigm, incorporating story, song, movement, and, lest we left-brainers feel excluded, lots of information and the latest research on how trauma impacts the cognitive, emotional, academic, and physical development of the kiddos we know and love.
If you were there, we probably met (albeit briefly!) at registration or at my Raffle table; if you weren’t there, I hope you make time for this free event sometime in the future. It’s life-changing.
Rue Hass, a lovely lady and Master EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) practitioner, shared this in her most recent newsletter, and I want to pass it on to you. (Rue’s site is at www.intuitivementoring.com.) Here it is…
Finding What You Didn’t Lose
When someone deeply listens to you
it is like holding out a dented cup
you’ve had since childhood
and watching it fill up with
cold, fresh water.
When it balances on top of the brim,
you are understood.
When it overflows and touches your skin,
you are loved.
When someone deeply listens to you,
the room where you stay
starts a new life
and the place where you wrote
your first poem
begins to glow in your mind’s eye.
It is as if gold has been discovered!
When someone deeply listens to you,
your bare feet are on the earth
and a beloved land that seemed distant
is now at home within you.
~ John Fox ~
 As I read it and take it in, my mind’s-eye goes to the brilliant children we are all parenting, who long for us to just listen, and to really get who they are, and understand the pain they have experienced. Not so that we can fix them, but so that we can walk with them as they find their own paths through their dark nights.
I also think of, and feel for, all of us–parents, grandparents, therapists, agency workers, teachers–who are called to this journey of caring for these challenging children, and how our own souls are soothed when we are deeply listened to by someone who doesn’t try to assure us that things are not as bad as they seem, and who doesn’t offer us the advice we’ve already heard and tried to no avail.
There’s a time for problem-solving and advice-giving, and a time for deep listening; what a gift when we have someone in our lives who is able to discern the right time for each! (Or to simply ask, “What is it that you’re needing from me right now?”)
Do you have a deep listener in your life? If you do, let them know how much they are appreciated. If you don’t, find someone (or someones) who can fill that role. Perhaps in a support group, or in a spiritual community. Or maybe you’d like to learn a practice such as Focusing or Nonviolent Communication, both of which will bring you into contact with others who value the healing power of deep listening and empathy.
Whatever road you take, remember that you don’t have to walk it alone. There are those who are also on the road, some walking ahead, some behind…and some who will walk right alongside of you, listening. Treasure them all.
Great article in Psychology Today about our old friend, Stress…and how it impacts us and our children…in ways we might not even realize.
Read it by clicking here…
Peace,
Beki
I have been meaning to add a page that I can use to share books, websites, etc that may be helpful to you on your parenting journey. This morning, I presented the Beyond Consequences model to a delightful group of moms and toddlers at The Parenting Place here in Boulder, and someone requested the names of the books that I was recommending. For now, I’m using this blogpost to offer this info; soon I’ll create a page for these entries.
So, here are the three books I had with me this morning; I’ll add reviews of these, and more books and sites, in the near future.
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love-Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors
Volume 1 was written by Heather Forbes and B. Bryan Post; Heather Forbes is the author of Volume 2. (And they are somewhat different.) Heather has recently come out with another book called Dare to Love, which presents the BC paradigm in a Q&A format…very accessible.
The Great Behavior Breakdown
by B. Bryan Post
Parenting from the Inside Out: How a deeper self-understanding can help you raise children who thrive
by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., and Mary Hartzell, M.Ed.
Are you ready to take your Radical Acceptance Parenting to a new level? If you live in the Boulder, CO area, join me for
The Six-Week-Shift Parent Training for Parents of Challenging Children: Transforming Family Conflict with Love-Based Parenting
Learn a NEW, COMPASSION-BASED PARENTING PARADIGM (Is the old stuff working???) for transforming your child’s challenging behaviors into opportunities for healing & connection. This program, based on the most current brain research, teaches Radical Acceptance…in action!
Please go to www.6-week-shift.com for full details.
Are you a discouraged, worried parent of a child with challenging, even severe, behaviors?
Looking for support on your journey? Then read on…
Welcome to the Radical Acceptance Parenting Blog!
I plan to meet you here often, to offer you musings, tips, resources, and more, all to support and inspire you on your journey as the parent or caregiver of a challenging child. See you soon!
Peace,
Beki
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“The Three Paths to Peaceful Parenting and a Joy-Filled Family!”
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